Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
