Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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