My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
