So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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