So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
