If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
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