I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Randomize
