Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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