Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
