I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
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I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
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For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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