I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
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I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
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Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.