it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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