I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
