A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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