In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
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if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
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Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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