and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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