So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
