I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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