I think im going to throw up on grandma
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Randomize
