maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
me + whiskey = a bad person
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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