$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My pussy is not your playground.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
