I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
