Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
