You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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