goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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