I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
