just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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