Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
