i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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