dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
