The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
