i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
