I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
