I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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