She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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