Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
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I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
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It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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