I'm gonna have a badass scar
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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