My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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