THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
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