I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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