Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
