Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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