I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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