What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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