OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
