She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
