If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
