I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
