help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
