PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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