I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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