I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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