If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
