just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
