Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
