sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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