seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
