I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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