I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
