Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
